To You, Lord, I call;
My rock, do not be deaf to me,
For if You are silent to me,
I will become like those who go down to the pit. Psalm 28:1

Part 1 – Defense Against Despair

It’s been almost a year since my last post.  That was certainly not my intent.  However, life’s demands, responsibilities, and frustrations all played a part in the silence.  While a few have asked about that silence and whether or not I intend to continue to blog (which, Lord willing, is my plan), I seriously doubt that the lack of these blog posts has caused anyone great consternation. Conversely, as David indicates in the passage above, the silence of God is another matter.   

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Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  1 Thessalonians 5:23

As I sit down to write, there are stain and varnish fumes invading the main level of our home and a jackhammer running in the basement in an effort to improve our property.  We purchased this house at the end of September.  It is now nearing the end of January and despite a significant number of improvements already completed, there is still much work to do.  It’s been a long and frustrating process.  Repeatedly I find myself anxious and overwhelmed by the long list of repairs, the improvements needed, and the cost to complete them.  However, in my frustration, I also see parallels between our house and my soul.  More specifically, I’m referring to the vision, the challenges, the cost, and the anxiety associated with any spiritual improvement.

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Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

During the advent season, many are looking forward to time shared with family and friends, however, others of us may find that this time of year has more challenges than pleasures.  Gatherings present various issues for me.  The biggest challenge is food.  I have to navigate what is available so that I eat enough without getting so sick that I can’t enjoy myself.  Clothing is another challenge as I am very sensitive to both fabrics and temperature.  What may work one day may not on another.  An additional hurdle is a heightened “flight or fight” response.  Consequently, my physical response to uncomfortable social situations and personality differences are often exacerbated.  While I will enjoy those with whom I celebrate, there are many others that I wish the celebrations would include, but will not; they will be sorely missed.  There are also uncertainties in our life making this holiday season less than carefree.  I am not alone in any of this as I recognize that many will find it difficult to enjoy the holidays this year due to their own health issues, the rigors of travel, the loss of loved ones, family conflicts, etc.  Yet in our trials, we should still seek to experience the peace, hope, and joy that our Savior provides. 

With all of the activities of this year, I am already spent so I must admit that I am less than enthused with respect to any more activities that make significant demands of me.  However, I realize that celebrating the incarnation of Christ and the time spent with family will have benefits both spiritually and emotionally.  I believe our ever gracious Savior understands my weakness and placed Isaiah 41:10 before me in light of the advent season as a reminder of my true source of peace, hope and joy.

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How blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in His commandments. He will not fear evil tidings; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.   Psalm 112:1,7

In the spring of 1996 my wife and I left around 7 a.m. to take our older daughter to play in a soccer tournament.  As we began to walk onto the fields searching for Adrienne’s team, I noticed people pointing at us and a police officer walking towards us.  I knew that we were about to receive bad news and dread began to fill my soul.  My fears centered around our younger daughter who was not with us and my mother who had been ill.  I could not bear the thought of anything happening to either of them.  The police officer informed us that my mother had passed away around the time that we left our home and that my father had contacted them to inform us.  In that moment my strength left and I dropped to my knees filled with both grief and relief.  I grieved my mother’s passing and was greatly relieved that Christine was ok.  Since that day, I have learned much about dreaded news through experience and the faith of fellow servants of our Lord. 

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From whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.  Ephesians 4:16 

Our new neighborhood has sidewalks on the back side of each property creating nice series of paths.  As I was walking our dog the other day, I noticed the variety of back yards.  Most have either no fence or chain link fencing while a few have privacy fences.  As Marie and I considered what to do about our own which needs some work, we have agreed that we prefer the chain link as it keeps our yard open to meeting and greeting our neighbors.  This discussion caused me to consider not only our yard but our life style and personalities.  In other words, do we live our lives in ways that invite others in or do we put up barriers?  While it’s very easy to do for a variety of reasons, Christ desires that we love well living in community rather than in isolation.

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The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.  Romans 8:16-17

As I continue to facilitate another support group, I have the benefit of being reminded of (or in some cases, relearning) past lessons regarding the roll of suffering in faith and in my relationship with God.  I’ve been going to church since I was born and I’ve been a Christian most of my life.  Much of my childhood was spent being instructed in or listening to the finer points of faith being discussed or debated.  As an adult, I’ve participated in many such discussions and led a few.  These are the things of religion.  While I have had a relationship with God since my youth and recognize periods of significant spiritual growth throughout my life, that relationship has been significantly altered by my illness.  In that regard, my suffering has been my greatest blessing in that has matured my faith and pushed me to a deeper relationship with our Lord.

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“Blessed be the Lord, for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city.”  Psalm 31:21

For those of you that follow my blog closely, you may have noticed that my Monday quotes and the verse of the day have dropped off.  Life has been a bit challenging and I’ve had to surrender a bit to maintain my sanity.  Life with chronic illness is a battle against both known and unknown factors.  It is a battle of the mind and soul as well as the body which often leaves one feeling besieged. 

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“For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?”  Matthew 16:26

Trust is a fairly basic concept as it rests solely on confidence.  That confidence relies on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of some entity or object.  In contrast, what we consider valuable in our lives and how much we fear losing those things varies from person to person due to maturity, faith, relationships, life experiences, etc.  Another contrast between the two is the impact on our well-being.  Trust provides calm, healing and peace while fear brings distraction, stress and destruction.  Fear comes in varying degrees and for various reasons but consider the following factors of fear: the object, the measurement, the security and the trustee.

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