A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4
One Sunday evening while in college, I was walking to church from my dorm. It was a short distance, but early on I met up with an older lady attending the same service. As we walked, she made a statement that judgmental and uninformed which has frustrated me all these years. Her comment left me in an awful position: to agree with her was to insult my mother and to disagree was to insult my father. Those words crushed my spirit and still raise a fair amount of ire every time I think about them. In contrast, the words of my dear friend Rosemary were always soothing…even in her reprimands. She consistently knew how I was feeling without asking. If she thought I wasn’t taking care of myself properly, I was scolded. Not giving her a hug right away also elicited a gentle rebuke. One thing was certain; at some point in our conversation she would tell me she loved me. The statement was regularly followed with “I mean that” in a tone of certainty that only someone from Eastern Ohio/Western Pennsylvania could produce. Rosemary has gone to her eternal reward and her presence is missed every time I enter the sanctuary because she was such a blessing to me. What these two examples reflect is that our words have great potential to harm or the sooth.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Rash words have significant and uncontrollable consequences. By definition, they are not soothing, but rather wounding. Consider again, my first example. The words cut deeply into my soul; they angered me; and they left a memory that recurs uninvited inflicting the damage anew over and over again. Consequently the harm has been long lasting. Those words have also impacted everyone with whom I engage. Her words as well as the rash words of others in the Christian community have left a mark that has caused me to be very cautious. Consequently, I am much more guarded with Christians than non-Christians as experience has taught me that I am treated with greater respect, acceptance, grace and kindness by those outside the church. Thankfully, the consistent and determined soothing words of Rosemary (and others like her) have had a healing effect and allow me to remain hopeful of healthy relationships within the church family.
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19
There are times when the soothing tongue is the silent tongue. 2 Corinthians 12:20 and other passages like it instruct us to refrain from gossiping or associating with those who do. More specifically, Proverbs 10:17 tells us that we foster love when we conceal a transgression. Whether it is a transgression that we need to forgive or one that requires us to quietly speak the truth with grace to correct them, the matter should not be discussed with others. Finally, no matter how innocently intended, we need to be careful when we share “news” about others as there are many ways that we may do harm. We may inadvertently: break a confidence; add commentary that may or may not be entirely truthful; dredge up old wounds; rekindle strife or quarrels; or become divisive. To drive the point home, Proverbs 21:23 reminds us that when we guard our mouth and our tongue, we not only protect others, but we protect our own souls from troubles. To live and love well is to judiciously limit what we say to and about others.
Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Out of curiosity, I quickly did a search to see if anyone had determined how many soothing comments that it takes to overcome an unkind comment. One article in a Christian publication stated that a minimum it was 2:1. However, in marriage, some felt that it was likely 5:1. Another study quoted in “Harvard Business Review” looked at work groups. They found that business units with medium effectiveness had 1.9 (almost 2:1) positive comments for every criticism. However, in highly effective units, the ratio was 5.6:1…almost six positive comments to offset each critical one. These articles were older than I would have liked, but make the point that criticism does damage and we don’t get over it easily. Knowing this better than we do, God repeatedly instructs us to guard what we say and to encourage one another. While it’s a good starting point, an apology alone will not overcome a thoughtless word. Consequently, it is much better to guard our tongues and speak soothing words of encouragement rather than make destructive comments.
Looking forward
I don’t like recalling past hurts as they have great potential to stir up much angst that has little relevance now. The only value that they really have is to remind me to diligently guard my own comments to others. While I have been harmed by more than one unkind comment, I shudder to think how many I’ve made inadvertently or in the heat of a disagreement. For the pain inflicted on me, I must truly forgive just as I must seek forgiveness for the hurt I have caused. Thankfully, the example set for me by Rosemary and others like her point me in the right direction.
May God grant us all the maturity and godly direction to guard our words well so that they are a soothing balm and encouragement others. When we are harmed by the words of another, may we find solace in the soothing words and promises of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.
Will
See also: Pleasant Words and Abominations and The Words that we Speak