Love is patient, love
is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not
act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into
account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with
the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
For us, this
is wedding month. Lord willing, on
August 17th our older daughter Adrienne will wed her fiancé
Tom. That leaves us in a whirlwind of
finalizing arrangements, finishing decorations, polishing dance steps and of
course making the final payments for everything. It’s a busy time with the expectation of a
joyous celebration which makes the effort worthwhile. In that light, my plan for the next few posts
is to focus on topics related to marriage and weddings. However, I will do my best to applicable
whether one is single or married. That
said, this first post of the series takes a look at love.
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
A few weeks ago, I took my wife’s car in for service. While working on it, they found that three of
the light bulbs were out and asked if I wanted them to replace them. After a brief discussion, I decided to try to
save some money and do it myself. While
simple enough for many, it was not that for me.
As is the case with many of us with chronic illness, I had to mentally
gear up for something new, get the parts and then have the energy to attack the
project. Knowing my limitations, I
searched for and reviewed a few “how to” videos. The light bulb over the license plate didn’t
go quite as instructed or planned but I managed to get it replaced after a fair
amount of effort. However, the rear side
marker lights didn’t fare so well. There
were two clips holding the trunk liner in place that I could not get out. Thankfully, the next day our son-in-law Corey
figured it out and showed me the error of my ways allowing me to complete the
task. Without his counsel, I was failing,
but with his counsel I succeeded. In
this case, the situation was rather benign; however, often times counsel is
needed in more difficult circumstances.
If we are to be a helpful and encouraging companion, we need to be
discerning in our approach to counsel.
See how great a love
the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and
such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not
know Him. 1 John 3:1
As the father of two, I have a greater understanding of God’s
love for us than prior to parenthood. My
wife and I have very different personalities and our daughters have followed
suit. In most ways our older daughter’s
personality is more like mine while our younger daughter’s is more like her
mother’s. My relationship with my daughters is equally
different. Adrienne and I think alike,
understand each other more readily and both enjoy music and dancing. Christine and I have to work harder to
understand each other, but make the effort.
I’m not sure either of us enjoys painting our homes, but we enjoy doing
it together and make a great team. We
also share a love of gardening…allowing us to go to a plant store together is
financially risky. I love and am truly
grateful for both of our daughters and could not imagine my life without either
of them. The same is true of our Heavenly
Father’s relationship with each of us.
We each have different personalities, talents and character flaws. We are at different places in our lives as
well as at different places in our faith and spiritual maturity. Further, our Father has different plans for
us. As a result, we have different needs;
therefore, His provisions for us and the life experiences that He has ordained
for us will be as varied as the structure of snowflakes…no two are alike. As a
result, his children often struggle to understand His love for them.
A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4
One Sunday evening while in college, I was walking to church
from my dorm. It was a short distance,
but early on I met up with an older lady attending the same service. As we walked, she made a statement that
judgmental and uninformed which has frustrated me all these years. Her comment left me in an awful position: to
agree with her was to insult my mother and to disagree was to insult my
father. Those words crushed my spirit
and still raise a fair amount of ire every time I think about them. In contrast, the words of my dear friend
Rosemary were always soothing…even in her reprimands. She consistently knew how I was feeling
without asking. If she thought I wasn’t
taking care of myself properly, I was scolded.
Not giving her a hug right away also elicited a gentle rebuke. One thing was certain; at some point in our
conversation she would tell me she loved me.
The statement was regularly followed with “I mean that” in a tone of
certainty that only someone from Eastern Ohio/Western Pennsylvania could
produce. Rosemary has gone to her
eternal reward and her presence is missed every time I enter the sanctuary
because she was such a blessing to me.
What these two examples reflect is that our words have great potential
to harm or the sooth.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Rash words have significant and uncontrollable
consequences. By definition, they are
not soothing, but rather wounding.
Consider again, my first example.
The words cut deeply into my soul; they angered me; and they left a
memory that recurs uninvited inflicting the damage anew over and over again. Consequently the harm has been long
lasting. Those words have also impacted
everyone with whom I engage. Her words as
well as the rash words of others in the Christian community have left a mark
that has caused me to be very cautious.
Consequently, I am much more guarded with Christians than non-Christians
as experience has taught me that I am treated with greater respect, acceptance,
grace and kindness by those outside the church.
Thankfully, the consistent and determined soothing words of Rosemary
(and others like her) have had a healing effect and allow me to remain hopeful
of healthy relationships within the church family.
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19
There are times when the soothing tongue is the silent
tongue. 2 Corinthians 12:20 and other
passages like it instruct us to refrain from gossiping or associating with
those who do. More specifically,
Proverbs 10:17 tells us that we foster love when we conceal a
transgression. Whether it is a
transgression that we need to forgive or one that requires us to quietly speak
the truth with grace to correct them, the matter should not be discussed with
others. Finally, no matter how
innocently intended, we need to be careful when we share “news” about others as
there are many ways that we may do harm.
We may inadvertently: break a confidence; add commentary that may or may
not be entirely truthful; dredge up old wounds; rekindle strife or quarrels; or
become divisive. To drive the point
home, Proverbs 21:23 reminds us that when we guard our mouth and our tongue, we
not only protect others, but we protect our own souls from troubles. To live and love well is to judiciously limit
what we say to and about others.
Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Out of curiosity, I quickly did a search to see if anyone
had determined how many soothing comments that it takes to overcome an unkind
comment. One article in a Christian publication
stated that a minimum it was 2:1.
However, in marriage, some felt that it was likely 5:1. Another study quoted in “Harvard Business
Review” looked at work groups. They
found that business units with medium effectiveness had 1.9 (almost 2:1)
positive comments for every criticism.
However, in highly effective units, the ratio was 5.6:1…almost six
positive comments to offset each critical one.
These articles were older than I would have liked, but make the point
that criticism does damage and we don’t get over it easily. Knowing this better than we do, God
repeatedly instructs us to guard what we say and to encourage one another. While it’s a good starting point, an apology
alone will not overcome a thoughtless word.
Consequently, it is much better to guard our tongues and speak soothing
words of encouragement rather than make destructive comments.
Looking forward
I don’t like recalling past hurts as they have great
potential to stir up much angst that has little relevance now. The only value that they really have is to
remind me to diligently guard my own comments to others. While I have been harmed by more than one
unkind comment, I shudder to think how many I’ve made inadvertently or in the
heat of a disagreement. For the pain
inflicted on me, I must truly forgive just as I must seek forgiveness for the
hurt I have caused. Thankfully, the
example set for me by Rosemary and others like her point me in the right
direction.
May God grant us all the maturity and godly direction to
guard our words well so that they are a soothing balm and encouragement
others. When we are harmed by the words of another,
may we find solace in the soothing words and promises of our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.
Be ready to do whatever
is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be
gentle toward everyone.
How blessed is he who
considers the helpless; the Lord will deliver him in a day of trouble. The Lord will protect him and keep him alive,
and he shall be called blessed upon the earth; and do not give him over to the
desire of his enemies. The Lord will
sustain him upon his sickbed; in his illness, You restore him to health. Psalm 41:1-3
Last week I stayed at the Holiday Inn at Cleveland Clinic while
I was seeing doctors and having tests done. (You
can read more about that in last week’s post here.) While I have stayed in
many hotels with varying levels of service, I’ve not been in one like this
before and I really didn’t notice how different it was for at least a day. As I was sitting at dinner in the café on the
second evening, I noticed that the din which typically surrounds the restaurant
and bar areas was missing. In fact, it
was rather quiet. I also noticed that
there were more families taking the time to thank God for their food. It then occurred to me that the vast
majority, if not all, of the patrons were either ill, caregivers or some
combination of the two. As I sat there
taking this in, I further realized that the staff was different as well as they
were more engaged that I’m used to. With
this realization came an awareness, an opportunity and a blessing.
“Blessed be the Lord,
for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city.” Psalm 31:21
For those of you that follow my blog closely, you may have noticed that my Monday quotes and the verse of the day have dropped off. Life has been a bit challenging and I’ve had to surrender a bit to maintain my sanity. Life with chronic illness is a battle against both known and unknown factors. It is a battle of the mind and soul as well as the body which often leaves one feeling besieged.
The Christmas message is that there is hope for a ruined humanity–hope of pardon, hope of peace with God, hope of glory–because at the Father’s will Jesus became poor, and was born in a stable so that thirty years later He might hang on a cross.
But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:11-12
I’ve watched several people die…it’s not a particularly pleasant experience. The closer you are to them, the harder it is. The longer it takes, the more time you have to think. That time and that pondering offer an opportunity for personal reflection in a way that no other experience does. As someone you love is on the brink of entering eternity, what is important in life seems to be much clearer than when we are in the daily race meeting deadlines and running errands, etc. Knowing that a loved one will shortly meet their Lord and God allows the Holy Spirit to speak to us and apply God’s word to our lives in ways that drive home His message with more depth and understanding. In short, it is a wake-up call to pursue a life well lived…that is, to live intentionally rather than passively.
“For you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” Exodus 34:14
The context of Exodus 34 is that Moses is on Mount Sinai for the second time to receive God’s commandments. While he was with Jehovah the first time, the Israelites got impatient and made a golden calf to worship. After dealing with their sin and interceding on their behalf, he is once again with God.
It’s one thing to be described by another as jealous. However, to not only declare yourself as jealous, but to also bear it as a name seems to be extreme. Yet that is exactly what God does when He meets Moses for a second time. For us to consider this as extreme, harsh or even a bit wrong would be an incorrect stance.
